Good morning! If you’re new, my name is Jeremy. My wife Jessica and I moved to Iraq 15+ years ago at the height of the war. Today, our humanitarian work across 10+ countries has been covered by The New York Times, Rolling Stone, Al Jazeera, etc.

I help peacemakers like you 10X their impact around the world through a social impact collective called HUMANITE.

I write for those who still have hope.

Jeremy Courtney
HUMANITE

We choose our pain

As you might imagine, 15+ years of life and work with communities in conflict has made me something of a student of suffering.

Why are some of the happiest people I know those who have seen the worst?

And why are some of the most depressed those who live with record wealth and freedom?

I love the long-read books and arguments that explore the problem of pain and the practice of joy through the lens of faith, philosophy, ethics, and culture. It’s an inexhaustible topic that is worthy of a life of humble exploration. But if I had to boil it down to a simple maxim, it might go something like this:

We choose our pain.

We don’t always choose what happens around us, or even to us. And so, on some level, we will all incur pain that is not of our initial choosing. But eventually, the difference between the joyful and the miserable comes down to choice.

Do we make pain our home and identity, such that living without it would ruin our self-conception?

Or do we allow pain to be our teacher, our guide, and our fuel to propel us forward toward new life, new growth, and new joy?

What we talk about when we talk about pain

Joy-full people, in my experience, make a lot of “excuses” for the pain and suffering of the world. It’s part of how they cope with it and move through it.

So, today, I thought I’d share a few of the “excuses” that I’ve encountered most frequently and why I think they often make people less miserable.

1. God is in control.

2. I am in control.

3. That’s just how people are.

God is in control

Most of my context for violence and conflict has been spent among Middle East Muslims, Christians, and Yezidis, all of whom generally believe in a sovereign God.

God’s ways are higher than our ways.

And the immediate realities of pain or suffering will likely be revealed in the long-term to have been part of God’s larger plan; for our good; or even a test of our faith.

I know that, to some, this seems quaint or even backward. But I believe it’s one of the most amazing survival tools ever discovered.

Certainly, some people use “the God card” to justify things they would otherwise want to do or believe anyway. Some people use this as a shield for their failures, laziness, etc.

But in the context of pain and suffering, God’s say in the matter has provided billions of people across time and space a reason to keep going and a way to find joy.

After all, if God is ultimately for me, who can be against me?

I am in control.

At first blush, this might seem like the inverse of the “God is in control” view, but that’s not how it usually plays out in real life. This is an independent attitude, not a contrary attitude. It essentially says, “Whatever happened, I am going to have to be the one to take action in my own life to make things better.”

This perspective, too, is increasingly seen as antiquated, naive, or even oppressive. As the dominant conversation on history and culture moves more and more toward systemic injustice, notions of personal responsibility are deemed insufficient (at best), ineffective, or oppressive (at worst). And that may be true for “changing the world”, but when it comes to personal happiness and success, no amount of collective action can overcome the private internalization of victimhood.

History shows that neither genocide, war, or any number of other wrongs that befall us as individuals are ultimately determinative for those who survive. What is determinative, at least when it comes to happiness and misery, is attitude, outlook, and effort.

Those who wake up each day determined to make the most of it, no matter what happened in the past, get to decide who they become. While those who wake up each day determined to relitigate the past, no matter what is happening today, cede their lives to others.

That’s just how people are

The third major “excuse” I’ve seen that helps joy-full people move through pain is essentially an acceptance of what it means to be human.

For all of history, people have protected themselves, their family, and their tribe. That’s the norm. And in the grand arch of history, it’s not even remotely immoral.

Of course, as many of us hope to be on some kind of grand enlightenment or sanctification journey, we aim to rise above such a narrow understanding of “love”. But at the end of the day, when one group attacks another; when we see people lie to protect themselves; or when bombs and bullets take out our neighbors, we are in good company. That’s who people have always been.

Statistically speaking, why should we be spared?

Choosing Joy

If you can’t tell, I’m a big fan of these explanations for why the world falls apart. They don’t stop me and the people I work with from addressing systemic wrongs. They don’t stop us from speaking the truth. And they don’t stop us from aiming for excellence.

But what they do is becoming increasingly rare: they help us move through pain with joy.

We don’t all choose our circumstances.

But we do all choose whether or not we are going to live as victims.

Life is pain. It’s really not much to write home about.

You lost. You failed. You were wronged.

So what? Is that an identity now?

Go make something.

Do something.

Be something.

Because life is also joy.

Forgiveness.

And rebirth.

And your children are going to be far more proud of you for what you build than what you burn.

So, as I was thinking of this community and some of you who are hurting, I wanted to say this: maybe today is a good day to let some of the pain go.

Come back to Life.

And water what is Good and Beautiful and True about you; about the people who hurt you; and about the world around you.

We still have so much to celebrate.

So much to be grateful for. At all times. And in all circumstances.

I know it hurt. But that’s not your home. Don’t give up on Joy.

I’m cheering you on!

Jeremy Courtney
HUMANITE Peace Collective

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PS — maybe you’re not the one who’s pitched a tent inside your pain, but you likely know someone. Stick by them. Love them. Laugh like an idiot until they join you. Drag them into the woods on a hike. Friends don’t let friends live in the cage of victimhood. But sometimes we need to be dragged into the vast open spaces to remember that we were made to fly. Just don’t give up on each other. We’re all we’ve got.

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